Parenting is tough—there’s no sugarcoating it. And when it comes to discipline, most parents feel stuck in a never-ending battle. Do you punish? Do you go easy? Do you negotiate? Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Matthew Maynard is here to set the record straight: discipline isn’t about punishment. It’s about accountability. And if you’re ready to ditch the guilt and power struggles, his approach might change your parenting game forever.
The Biggest Discipline Myths (And Why They’re Wrong)
For decades, parents have been told discipline means enforcing strict rules and consequences to keep kids in line. However, according to Maynard, this old-school mindset is why many families struggle with behavior issues. Here are some of the biggest myths about discipline:
- Myth #1: Discipline = Punishment
Many parents assume that discipline is about making kids suffer for their mistakes. But in reality, proper discipline means teaching accountability—not enforcing fear. - Myth #2: Tougher Punishments Lead to Better Behavior
Have you ever grounded your kid for a month, only to find them repeating the same mistake? That’s because extreme punishments don’t teach—they only create resentment and when they have nothing to lose they punish back. - Myth #3: Gentle Parenting Means No Consequences
Conversely, some parents believe being kind means never enforcing rules. But kids need structure, and avoiding discipline leads to entitlement, not confidence.
The Key Difference: Punishment vs. Accountability
Maynard emphasizes that punishment is about control, while accountability is about growth. When parents punish, they focus on making their child “pay” for a mistake. But accountability shifts the focus to learning from mistakes and making better choices in the future.
Punishment often looks like this:
- Grounding kids for long periods with lecturing and talking at them
- Yelling or shaming them into obedience
- Using threats to get compliance
Accountability, on the other hand, looks like:
- Holding them to a standard that you know they are capable of progressing to
- Setting consequences in a way that is delayed and based on principles instead of problems
- Encouraging emotional processing, principles, and them being held to coming up with their own solutions
Maynard’s Strategic Approach: Setting Principled Consequences
Maynard’s Emotionally Strategic Parenting (ESP) method teaches parents to shift from reactive punishments to principled discipline—where consequences are fair, consistent, and tied to values. Here’s how it works:
- Stay Emotionally Neutral. Your child’s behavior shouldn’t dictate your emotional state. Stay calm and lead with confidence. I talk with parents about trying to have as much of a tone of indifference as possible.
- Use Strategic Consequences – If a child refuses to do homework, instead of yelling and getting into a power struggle, wait until you can avoid these power struggles and implement a consequence to create reflection.
- Identify principles over problems – By highlighting principles these allow you to avoid detailed arguments and get kids to see recurring themes to the problem dynamics at home, school, and with friends. (Examples: Consideration, Managing disappointment, proactivity, perseverance.)
- Focus on Reflection, Not Revenge — Instead of punishing your child for being disobedient or disrespectful, hold them accountable to reflect and recognize principles they are missing. Have them come up with a strategy to embrace this principle more in the future.
- Look for Progression, Not Perfection – By looking for progress over perfection your kids will feel empowered to keep going instead of being defeated. Progression follows three things 1.) Self awareness of opportunities to embrace a principle. 2.) They are taking future initiative on implementing their strategy. 3.) Are they implementing their strategy more consistently?
How Parents Can Implement Principled Discipline Today
You don’t need a Ph.D. in psychology to start using these strategies. Here are a few quick changes you can make right now:
- Swap “Because I said so” for “I am confused as to what you are trying to accomplish?” Get them to think and reflect unconsciously without directly arguing with them.
- Avoid Power Struggles and Use Delayed Consequences. (Example: If your teen misses curfew, instead of taking their phone right when they get home and engage in a physical or verbal altercation at 11 p.m. at night, wait until you can have more emotional and physical bandwidth to get access to their phone.)
- Get them to reflect before earning back privileges. – Instead of lecturing them, ask them open-ended questions, NOT yes or no questions to get them to think deeper and to identify core principles you have outlined.
Final Thoughts: Raising Self-Respecting, Accountable Kids
Your goal isn’t to control your child—it’s to prepare them for life. Maynard’s approach proves that discipline isn’t about punishment; it’s about teaching kids to take responsibility for their actions. When children feel accountable, are able to reflect on positive principles, and create better emotional boundaries as a whole, they don’t just behave better—they grow into confident, strong character adults.
So next time you’re about to react with punishment, pause. Lead with accountability instead. Your future self—and your future child—will thank you.
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